This was written by my friend Andrew about his college experience and general mental state. Andrew is a student at Carnegie Mellon University
When I started college, I viewed it
as something that was imposed on me by society. Rather than receiving it with
open arms, I deliberately chose to keep to myself and live inside my own head.
I thought that I could best figure out what I “wanted” by talking to myself
rather than to other people. At first, this worked out relatively well: I was
able to sleep at least seven hours per day and exercise three times a week
during my first semester, not to mention taking a full course load and ending
up on the dean’s list. I was efficient and managed my time well. This, however,
was only on the surface, for one crucial thing was missing: integration.
During my second semester, I was
confronted by more difficult courses. As I began to struggle, my lack of
integration slowly began to take its toll. I was frustrated and losing interest
in my courses. Although I still did my classwork, I stopped participating in
class and my grades slowly got worse. I started asking myself “why am I here”
and blamed my parents and society for my predicament. I was trapped in my own
head and in too deep. My lifestyle was ingrained, making change very difficult.
Come third semester, my interest in
school was at an all time low. My classes were still difficult, and I had yet
to feel integrated. I stopped doing readings and spent almost all my time
outside of classes in my dorm room making electronic music (I’ll get to this
soon). My isolation was chipping away at my well-being, and I was wasting my
education and my parents’ money. Thus I decided to take a semester off.
* * *
You might
be wondering how I didn’t go over the edge. I owe this to my friends (a few on
campus and a few others at different universities) and family. Thankfully, I
was able to share and discuss my thoughts with them which definitely was a
lifeline for me. If I had had zero support, I may not be in the stable
condition that I am in today.
I mentioned above that I was making
electronic music. In the fall of freshman year, I became very interested in
electronic dance music (EDM) and started learning how to produce it. I was
almost always listening to it; it was a beautiful escape from the harsh reality
of school. Although this also helped me cope, being preoccupied with EDM
mentally competed with and furthered my dislike for school. It eventually
became a crutch and almost an unhealthy addiction.
Deciding to take a semester off was
psychologically important for me. Not only did it allow me to recover and
reflect, but it also gave me the opportunity to mentally take responsibility
for my decisions (and failures, loosely speaking). I accepted that I had dug
myself into a hole and decided that I had to remove myself from the challenging
environment that I had exacerbated (ironically I was still questioning this
decision during the last few weeks of class despite having already filled out
the housing cancellation forms). I believe that something as simple as saying
to yourself “I’m going to take a semester off,” and then doing it, can go a
long way in terms of giving you possession of your own mind.
I plan to return the upcoming fall. I
feel that I am ready to go back and face the challenges in a new way: by not
being a hermit.
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