Dear Parents of Kids With Mental Illness

Hi everybody two things first: While this "letter" could apply to kids with most mental illness it is specific for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and probably can be easier in dealing with kids with anxiety, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) and depression. But, it applies for everybody.
Second, I am not trying to make you feel bad. You may be making some mistakes or doing things wrong but that is worse if you aren't aware of it. I AM TRYING TO HELP. Okay here it goes.
Dear Parents of Kids With Mental Illness,
I understand you might not be aware of everything but I am going to try to tell you what could help.
First of all, emotional abuse is something that is often done not knowingly but it needs to be acknowledged. It is like any other abuse: IT IS WRONG. If you want your kid to get over their past trauma if you are the reason because of it you need to acknowledge it. In general just don't act like you are perfect.
You have to understand that your kid might be seen as the different one at other places like school. So you have to make them feel like you are with them because a lot of times they might feel like a lot of people are against them.
Remember most people who have mental illness are born with it. I am not trying to make anyone feel guilty. I am just saying that they never asked for this it was something that they were born with. So a lot of things that might seem odd, they have never seen it that way because it is what seems normal. A lot of people with mental illness actually think everyone else is weird because to us what we are doing is justifiable.
Don't read one book or article and then suddenly think you are an expert on mental health. More important than that you don't have to be. There is a reason there are people trained to work with people. Don't always act like you have the answer; it is okay to just say I love you and know you are trying. Sometimes just being there is the best thing.
This is more for BPD than anything else but realize the extremes. There are a lot of them. There is not a lot of middle ground.  So you might get upset at them because of something at work but to them it makes them feel like the worst person in the world.
Look at yourself first. So lets just say your kid just stops telling you what is going on. Well maybe they aren't trying to keep you out of the loop for no reason. They are just avoiding it because it makes it worse. Also, it is okay to ask for help yourself. You don't have to know everything.
For math people: This is not MATH or even science. There is not an exact reasoning or answer. There is not an exact time for treatment. It isn't logical and if you're kid is creative even if you are analytical embrace that (and vice versa).
Realize that tone is very important. This one applies to a lot of people even without mental illness but for anyone that can't understand tone it is hard to know sometimes how someone actually feels. Also, be very careful with email and texting and stuff because you just don't know how people will feel.
Realize that even after treatment it is something that will never go away completely for the most part. There are still relapses and times that can be very tough. Realize that a kid taking one step of of their comfort zone might be the same as you taking a marathon as their comfort zone.
Now I know none of this is easy. But if your kid sees how hard you are trying they are more likely to be understanding.
No double standards. This one can be hard to recognize but if you get upset at your kid for doing something and then you do it well they are going to be upset, like time 33 because then you are basically singling them out as different. Remember also they might be upset at something that is dumb to you but it is important to them therefore it is important.
Don't go to extremes yourself either; meaning if a doctor says you need to not insult them as much don't go to not talking to them at all. Just find that balance and validation is so important. To you the things that are big achievements might not be big. But especially things like if they are out of the hospital or a year without self harm (I don't want to trigger too much) that is a big deal. Or even something like they have a target behavior of breaking stuff and they go a whole week without breaking anything. That is a big deal to them. If you laugh at them or make them feel not important it is not going to help.
Lastly, they are your kid. Hopefully you wanted a kid when you had them and a lot of things they want are just like any other kid. So make them feel wanted yet understand the differences compared to other kids.
Oh one more thing: If a kid is "enjoying" something like depression news flash: They are not. It could just mean they are scared of change.
To conclude, I really really hope this helps people a little bit. If you can take these few tips it could help a lot.